PDF DIALOGUE OF THE HEART AND MIND: Thoughts on Love and Relationships

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You can unsubscribe anytime. Our Learning Center. Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published. Comment Name Email Website. Workbook 2 Chapters Workbook 3 Chapters Workbook 4 Chapters Where do we send your ebook? Constant Contact Use. Emails are serviced by Constant Contact. Our book is your guide to Happiness, and Personal Peace. What makes a great self-help book? Inspiration, motivation, solid advice, personal knowledge, solid scientific facts, and the knowledge into what it takes to change lives.

A book that lives long after the pages are done, by providing the help needed to continue to make positive changes. Or one person can walk up to the top, in their own way, and another person can do the same, and they can both meet at the top.

Love yourself quotes for times when you feel like you’re not good enough

On the flip side, the other path, invites you, not only to connect in much subtler and deeper way but also to build your own wings along the way. One of my practices with her is to make her tea everyday. Guri, being Sikh, loves her chai -- and has one cup in the morning and one in the late afternoon. It makes me so happy to do it. In fact, I try to do so many of the chores around the house, too. If someone has to do it, why not me?

The house better be a mess when I return home! Tomorrow, I leave home at 5 am so you better not wake up to make me tea. It creates a virtuous cycle. And love multiplies. And in my case also, I very wary of that trap. So, for instance, I typically spend 4 months of the year traveling. And when we travel, we hardly ever talk on the phone or Skype or anything. Like on the mountain, you hold the other person in your heart and trust that the other is walking their path. To be detached and to love is, in fact, a foundation of great strength. Because then, the inspiration shifts from object of love to the source of love.

There is virtuous cycle, not just between Guri and I, but within myself alone. I know what love feels like it, and I start seeing everything through that lens. It changes your whole life. To get there, though, we have to learn to be vulnerable. Walking to the edge of our consciousness is a vulnerable act and we only survive if we have deep trust. Stunned, my friend wants to match his vulnerability, generosity and trust, so he handed him a check.

It was a blank check. He had no name, address, nothing, and yet was in a inexplicable relationship with an anonymous stranger. Vulnerability teaches us to trust. That is, one person with whom you lose every fight. We are taught how to win, but we are not taught the importance of losing. Unconditional losing. We have to take a counter-ego stance, in some way. Losing is often seen as a sign of weakness, but in this sense of diluting the ego, I have found it to be a source of great inspiration.

My wife is one of the people I always want to lose to. I have no zero interest in winning with her. On anything. What happens when the opponent just lets go?



It could your sibling, parent, grandparent, stranger, teacher, anybody. As we are familiar with that, we feel naturally inclined to expand that circle of trust farther and farther out. And the advantage of practicing through relationships is that it engages all of our being. Fortunately, relationships invite us to hold a whole lot more.

Question: How can a relationship grow in love? Giving away love is how we grow in love. If I give you 10 bucks, I have 10 less. The more I give love, the more love I have to give. It grows, it regenerates. So the best way to deepen love in a relationship is to serve others together.

Beggarly relationships are very loose, cheap, shallow. They are filled with expectations. I will do this for you. You will tell me this and I will tell you that. A deeper relationship is friendly. This is where we usually cover each other's gaps. You get treated like royalty because you're at the king's palace. Such relationships are the ones that are rooted in service. We hang out all the time and know each other's problems and such.

That thread can snap very easily. Parental relationships are also great mirrors. Parents usually have a lot of attachment with their kids, and when those attachments are too tight, it turns into expectations. However, with all the combinations of such relationships, it is always possible to loosen the stranglehold of expectations and attachments, so we can start serving other together and head in the kingly direction. Yet, over time, she came around, and that too, in a huge way!

For me, the principle was this -- if I want a relationship to be kingly, practice serving others together. For one, we started Awakin Circles together, that my Mom and Dad have now been hosting every week for the 19 years and counting. Having seen thousands of people come together in their own living room, it changes things. Nineteen years is a long time.

Message from Tulsi Gabbard for Hindu-Catholic Dialogue

People used to come as bachelors, now have kids in high-school who join us sometimes! It ripples in subtle ways too. Every mother, for example, would get happy when people praise her kids. And my Mom is no exception. This body? My head? My left ear? My right hand? Obviously not. You are proud of the values we are practicing. Best way to express that is by living it. If someone appreciates our work, we want to amplify their resonance with these values.

What I really find meaningful is serving people who are working on inner transformation. For instance, I always talk to them about death. To move from beggarly to friendly to kingly relationships, to move from expectations to attachments to service, takes time. You have to keep serving, and wait for the time to ripen and for your skifulness to become fine tuned.

How to Make Someone Fall In Love With You

It takes time. So one has to work with an untiring mind, without an exit strategy, but with the understanding that kingly relationships are a fruit of serving other together. Question: It is a common experience that we get fatigued when we engage in relationship. What about boundaries? Nipun: If we want to cultivate our wisdom through our relationships, then, an untiring mind is a prerequisite. Tolerance and equanimity are like the fuel for our untiring mind. So we have to cultivate all these virtues. All relationships are constantly ending, and beginning. It is what it is.

Say you tried for 10 years but there is still no change. Well, you continue onto the 11th year. Untiring mind without detachment, though, is obsession, so we have to careful to avoid that trap. Yet, on the flip side, boundaries can also be very skilful and humbling. Just as we get greedy with money and material things, we sometimes get greedy with relationships too -- we want every single person to like us. If we operate without boundaries, we are likely in some confused fantasy or an echo chamber or a Boddhisattva :. Boundaries, though, have two important traits.

My boundary maybe different than yours, but even my own boundaries may vary from moment to moment. I will come back in some future expression, with more fuel in my tank, so I can rebound it with love. So yes, on one side, we have to cultivate an untiring mind. How to decide if which virtue to practice in which moment? Only you can know, and while we may make mistakes, we grow in wisdom over time. Is conflict just an indication of anger, or could it be constructive?

Nipun: Conflict is ever present. Nature, for example, is filled with predators and hierarchies and unfair taking. But instead of conflict, I prefer the word tension. Tension is always between opposing forces. A guitar string pulled too tight snaps into two, and pulled too loose produces no sound. Gandhi is actually an incredible role model for holding tension. One would imagine that millions of people just hated him when he was alive, and yet he was able to live a life of great compassion. Can we resist the immediate action, while at the same time hold great love for the personna which is far more than the action?

In concept, we can all understand this easily, but in practice, what kind of inner resources does one need to be able to meet life like this? Not a trivial task. Question: How do we turn a sour relationship into a giving, kingly one? Nipun: When we are around compassionate people, a more compassionate part of us arises. Similarly, if we are strongly rooted in kingly values, it helps others around us be in the same state.

The question is, can you be strong enough that it activates a kingly mindset in those around you? That is, fundamentally, an empowering stance, because it puts the onus on you. I remember I went out to pick up some food, and I was looking for a parking spot. Now, living in Berkeley, parking spots are very hard to find.

After some roaming around, I found one. Just then, another car forcefully pulled in. It was pretty clear that it was my spot and I was try to reverse park, but this driver just unfairly took it. Now, what should be my response? Should I be generous and let it go? Or should I fight? Or something else? Very uncharacteristically, that day, I got out of my car and confronted the car. Knocked on his car window.

It turned out to be a college kid. Both he and I knew that he had made a mistake. You know, it could be your mother in my shoes.

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Of course, in that situation, there was an immediate feedback. Sometimes, the result is gonna take a whole lot longer. To be in that state, which is free of expectations and attachment, is like offering the way rose gives its scent -- effortless and unconditional. Question: How do good relationships benefit us?

Nipun: Buddha's attendant, Ananda, once asked him, "On this very long path, it seems like noble friends are half of the path. It is the full path. One hundred percent. If we do it right, the benefit of relationship is resiliency. Every kingly relationship creates an affinity, and web of these affinities creates a trampoline for us to fall on.

We think of a saint as someone who never falls down. But that is just our projection.

Saint is someone who falls down 99 times but gets up times. To get up every single time if you fall on a very hard surface is very tough. But if you have built the trampoline with deep ties, you may still fall but you will bounce back even higher. Then, the fear of falling goes away, and that unlocks entirely new dimensions of living! So how does one create noble friendships? First, we have to recognize noble, and secondly, we have serve that noble-ness. Fortunately, we need not go looking for noble. All life, at its core, is built on the foundation of noble-ness, or the "brahma-viharas" as Buddha called it.

Sometimes that nobility may be covered up by clouds, but it's always there. To create a friendship with that noble-ness in front of us, all we have to do is serve it. In that act of service, we build an affinity -- and that affinity, according to Buddha, is what it takes to the achieve the highest good. Question: Earlier you said that relationships are multi-dimensional? What did you mean? Nipun: What I mean by saying that relationships are multi-dimensional is that -- when I meet with you, some unspoken engagement happens between the two of us.

I see your glasses, you see I have a bald head, you hear me speak English, and so on. There are millions of things going on between you and I in any interaction. We may not even be aware of all these conscious, subconscious interactions between us, but in reality, your whole being is interacting with my whole being.

Question is -- how much am I aware of? This is at the physical level but at the level of mind, who can say what the boundary is? And who knows what is actually happening? One can say that I am speaking the words that I am speaking right now. But before I think of the word, it has to originate in the mind.

And where is the boundary of the mind? Maybe this is actually Mihir speaking. There is lots of research on how choir singers heartbeats start to synchronize as they start to sing. All of us sitting together, without any physical contact, if we are in resonance, our heartbeats start to synchronize as well. So who's speaking? Who's listening? It's a multi-dimensional many-to-many engagement in every scenario. I know people who can feel the sensations of everyone else in the circle.

For instance, Masami-san from Japan, who is a woman in her 80s. But I don't usually go to intimate circles because I can feel the pain of every single person. We might be numb to it but we all can. We are actually all holding each other in that very deep way. Now to even attempt to limit this rich thing in a transactional way is just very naive. What could potentially happen between two people is a gorgeous dance in the space of oneness. To reduce this to gaining points over another for the transactional stuff we do for each other -- it is a tremendous cheapening of the moment.

As a culture, we have shifted from multi-dimensional, many-to-many engagement to just uni-dimensional singular transactions. To reverse that trend, we have to realize that there is no such thing as a relationship between two people. And that this idea of one static person itself is a confused idea. Whose words are these that come out of my mouth? Whose mind are they coming from - maybe from outside this room? It is hard to know. But do we even need to know? If I'm going to transactionalize it, if I have to get credit, then I have to know it.

But otherwise, who cares? I don't care, you don't care, and the case is closed. Then you just live in it. To live in it, though, you have to have a kingly attitude. Because you have to receive everyone's pain and everyone's joy. That can be difficult when you come from the space of ego. You may say why should I suffer your pain?

Ego can think like that, but a big hearted person sees that if one person is suffering, everyone is suffering. What we do to someone else, we are doing to ourselves. In African tribes, they have these beautiful rituals. If someone hurts someone else, everyone comes together and they all start praying for both sides. They think that if you hurt this other person, that means you'll hurt the whole community.

And not just that you have hurt this other person but in truth, both sides are hurting and that is why this event happened between them. And we are all responsible for it! So, that is a very deep level of relationship. Historically, all our indigenous cultures have operated from this wisdom. Not only have we forgotten it, but we have also diluted our inner capacities of tolerance, equanimity and compassion. Let alone retaining kingly or even friendly relationship, we are losing out on even beggarly relationships and stripping it all down to transactions.

Question: I feel that while I may have enough externally, there is a kind of inner poverty that prevents me from being kingly. I never feel kingly in my relationships. Could you give some pointers? What stops the kingly relationship from thriving, from emerging? Nipun: If two poor people — not financially but spiritually -- are engaging, it is very hard to create kingly relationships. So the question is how do you arise out of that poverty? Consider poverty in the material world. Take Africa, for instance. But there is another approach. You are invited to search for the strengths and amplify it.

Similarly, Vinobaji also used to say that there are four kinds of people: Those who see only the bad; those who see the good and the bad; those who see only the good; and finally, those who see the good and amplify it. He says you should always be in the fourth category. When such a thing happens, conflict and violence are inevitable, right? We do this all the time, and it only multiplies the problem. And then, we can work on amplifying that good. To turn it around like that, though, is very difficult.

In the wake of beggarly mindset, searching for the good and skilfully amplify it is a tall task. It takes a lot of inner resources, and it takes a fair amount of spiritual maturity before one can succeed. But one keeps trying. Trying, but not in the direction of fixing the other person or situation, but in terms of accepting things as they are, so new intelligence can arise.

As an example, my friend Pancho stays in one of the most violent communities in America. Being a meditator, Pancho knows how powerful our inner capacities are, and how they organically flow outwards. One time, two drunk teenage boys smashed glass, alcohol bottles on the street, just for fun. So, Pancho and his roommate went outside and started picking up the shards of glass strewn around the street.

Love Yourself Quotes That Celebrate You - You're Worthy! ()

The two boys, from a distance, see this. They seem to be different. Humble and kind. We thought she may hurt herself. The two boys very quietly bent their backs and started helping picking up the glass pieces. Like that, with inner resources of humility and kindness and untiring mind, Pancho tries to transform his community. One heart at a time, very patiently. In any case, he has no bank account of his own and he relies on community support for his survival. That compels him to find assets in his local community, and turn it into a cycle of generosity.

People would usually agree. The question really is -- do we have the eyes to see it? Sometimes we are so overwhelmed by our own poverty, beggarly or friendly mindset, that we are not able to see the kingly potential. Yet it exists, waiting to be uncovered. Question: What some of the practices you have adopted in your day-to-day life? Nipun: There are lots of practices that have helped me grow. The biggest practice -- or I would say habit, by now -- is something that fell into my lap.