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- When Dating, Take OFF Your Rose Colored Glasses | HuffPost
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Better late than never! Nice, nice writing, Debbie. That last part is the one that hit home; having done lots of self-inspection over the years, I was feeling pretty clear. THAT was a mistake! Thank you, Scott. I am writing a book, so I particularly like to hear the writing compliment. Glad this was a gentle reminder for you. Thank you for your wit, wisdom and dedication to helping others. I am in total agreement with letting the inner critic find a new job! FYI: I am not employed by the Sedona organization or using this to promote a business.
Thanks for the suggestion of The Sedona Method. I am familiar with it. I am so glad you found it helpful. Everybody has to find what works for them. Surprisingly, I have not followed one particular philosophyy. I just pick and choose what feels good to me and makes sense from everything out there. I so resonated with this post. Your words are a great encouragement. I agree about the rose colored glasses! Glad this post spoke to you. I like the idea of just being aware of the negative thought and putting space between it and I and letting it dissolve.
It feels like a natural evolution of the process. Seems more kind and evolved somehow. Love the comparison to the elephant in the beginning. I always love your positive reminders and common sense approaches. The whole concept of mindfulness is so simple, but, as you said, it is so challenging to actually do. The rewards are worth it. Thank you for saying that I make it seem simple.
I think too many of the philosophies make it seem all new age-y and spiritually complex, when it does not have to be. I can be as simple as you want to make it. I thought that was the way marriage worked. At least to me. The fact is, I WAS too nice. I swallowed his lies too often and too easily. Found out the other day his scumbag has hpv and for at least the last part of the affair he knew about it.
And has lied to me after d day about that fact NICE. So maybe my post today is a little jaded. We have to own that. We need to stop thinking we were perfect, our lives were perfect, and why oh why did HE do this to ME? Well, maybe if the CS is a compulsive cheater, maybe then we were perfect. They are almost always miserable and have such incredibly poor coping skills that they cheat as a way out of that unhappiness.
This choice, the choice to go outside the marriage to find some joy in life, is the CSs alone. But getting to that point in the marriage? WE own that. I will say this — a lot of this seems rather contrived. My husband would tell you that prior to his affair, he was NOT unhappy with our marriage. With his life in general. There was a collision between his abusive childhood which left him with poor coping skills and even poorer boundary setting abilities and some ugly present day events.
He lost his dad, had a serious medical issue, the economy was tanking his business, our finances were going south, we had moved, had a baby, and were dealing with other elderly parents in poor health. The list could go on. Throughout this, I was loving him and supporting him. I suggested counseling, medication, whatever necessary to help him cope better. But, he chose to soldier on…his idea of being a man. I offered to move, help him close the business, make any life changes necessary.
To this day, he and the our three therapists his, mine, ours have yet to name one thing I could have done differently. So how did he get into an affair? He trusted a long time friend and colleague. She knew everything he was going through. She admitted later that her feelings for him had long since changed and she was looking for a way in. She pumped up his battered ego. She showered him with attention, advice, support and he ate it up. He says he never really realized the lines that had been crossed until it became physical.
He is remorseful and we have made much progress working through things. Was he the perfect husband? There is not a person or couple alive that could answer YES to any of those questions. But I DO know I did everything I could to support and love him through the worst season of our lives. I do not own ANY part of the affair. I was very open when he struggled with depression, offered to participate in counseling or whatever he felt he needed. Sometimes people just listen to the wrong voice.
Trust the wrong friend and sometimes things just go too far. He has definitely learned to communicate his feelings more openly and directly. THAT I would say, is the biggest thing that will help us going forward. I was always willing to address any issue. LOL — ok, please someone, help me here. There is nothing wrong with that — we all start somewhere. However, she sells coaching services — an online marriage counselor, if you will. Just because you know what happened in your own life does NOT mean you are prepared or qualified to guide anyone else.
An education forces you to see many different scenarios, techniques, etc. Just my opinion. I will stand by what I originally said. It is usually close, but most times it will be way off, due to circumstances. That is the time you pick up the slack for your partner. Those were my husbands rationale for his cheating. I was not a bitch, or a nag, or jealous, and even if I were, that is not a rationalization for him to be out DATING and trying to screw a road whore!
But things like that can make a person unhappy. If a person is unhappy and lacks the proper communication skills and coping skills to effectively deal with that unhappiness, they may seek out unhappiness in unhealthy ways, such as cheating. Did you cause the cheating? No way in hell! He made that choice all alone. BUT, were you a contributing force in the marriage, in his life, and by default, in his unhappiness or his perceived unhappiness?
Of course, just as he is the same in your life. What you choose to do with the happiness or unhappiness in your life is up to you, but your H is a major factor in your life. We did assist in getting our marriage to a point where cheating seemed like a viable option. Think of it like this: Pretend you know a woman. In turn, he drinks. He drinks because he hates his life and he wants to escape. Now, did this woman you know cause her husband to drink? He made that choice. Did she contribute to the marriage being at a point where the husband felt alone, hopeless and miserable?
I do not agree that we personally were the source of their unhappiness. Maybe in the fact that we were in the way of their perceived happiness with the other person.forum2.quizizz.com/las-tijeras-de-dalila.php
see through rose-coloured glasses | rose-colored glasses
I believe no one can make you happy. Happiness comes from within by being grateful and satisfied with what you have and what you are. I said we were a part of a marriage that had gotten to a state where an affair was possible. Each of us and everyone else is responsible for our own happiness. If a CS is unhappy as if almost always the case, he or she is responsible to speak up, try to work it out in healthy ways, and NOT do destructive things like having an affair.
Ok everyone this is Nicole and I am so disappointed for most of you that commented. I would like to ask you where your marriage is now? How much have you grown and learned from this experience? It sounds like most of you are still struggling to keep your victim story alive. As for a degree my website says I entered into a coaching certification.
I can also say that I grew enough and learned enough in the past year and a half to guide others through a successful healing. What do you get when you squeeze an orange? Orange juice. What do you get when you are squeezed? Continue to do and be what you have always done and you can enjoy the same things you have always gotten. Use this painful experience to learn and grow.
There is so much more for you to have in this life. Remember nothing in life is good or bad until you decide it is. This is Nicole again and I want to thank those of you for your encouraging comments. My post is about showing everyone that we hold so much influence with our spouse and its about using it the right way. My needs were not being met either and I had MANY real reasons to be pissed before the affair but quite honestly do you want to be right or married?
I wanted to be married and learning to forgive was a beautiful thing. It was something my husband needed and it healed many past pains in his life.
When a marriage goes wrong someone has to be bigger than the anger, resentment and want to get their partner back. I love my husband and above all else I wanted him to know that. I hope each one of you can find peace and forgiveness. Not every affair is the same and certainly not each situation falls into what I wrote but I bet each one of us could use a shift to focus on what is right and good in our spouse versus what is bad or wrong.
When Dating, Take OFF Your Rose Colored Glasses | HuffPost
Love and healing to all. Nicole, in my opinion, you are one of the most sanctimonious people I have ever seen comment on here.
- Through rose-colored glasses - definition of through rose-colored glasses by The Free Dictionary.
- Come To Me: Nurturing the Spiritual Birth of Your Child.
- For example?
- Stuck in the Sixties.
Your post seems to be a conglomeration of every self help book out there. If you are going to paraphrase Dr. Phil at least get it right. I agree, Gizfield. None of us are choosing to be victims, we are just supporting each other by sharing our experiences. There is one universal similarity with ALL cheaters, and that is selfishness.
My H told me it was nothing I did, he was simply flattered by an equally selfish person bitch. I believe it should be both parties who make an effort to build a healthy marriage in the first place, but after an affair the CS has a lot of repair work to do. Nicole, I am one who is not in agreement with you and I really take exception of you being disappointed for me. LOAF, Nicole said that our behavior was an underlying factor to their affair.
Sorry but I stand by what I said. If either partner has a problem their spouses behavior then it is up to them to,speak up… Not have an affair. Nothing pushes our spouse to have an affair except their own behavior — selfishness, low self esteem, whatever but it is or behavior, not ours. I am not perfect, far from it, my marriage was never perfect so telling me I need to stop looking through my glasses and take responsibility is rather presumptuous at the very least. The last person who posted about good marriages and affairs.
I agree and I have stated that this does not apply to everyone. Affairs most of the time have to do with the ego and how they feel about themselves. Regardless of a good or bad marriage. Each and everyone of you is entitled to your own opinion and if you would simply take a step back you would realize you own attitude, judgements and thoughts are creating the world you live in. Quite honestly I think it is a shame that you have no understanding of what I said and I have heard your complaints and bitterness around the very subject of my original post.
Is it possible just maybe that you could do some things differently to make your spouse feel more loved and appreciated? As for the person that said she would pass on working with me,I would not have you as a client because I will only work with people who want to help themselves. It does not hurt me for you to ignore it. Your are the one who us unhappy. Why are you unhappy and I am happy. I get foot rubs and gifts daily.
Maybe there is something of value to what I said but you are too busy being angry and maybe jealous to notice. I do feel disappointed for you all because you are so missing the opportunity for growth and change. Anytime in life we act out,make excuses,work too much,drink,drugs have angry out burst or cold shoulder someone it is in avoidance of looking at your own shit. So continue to avoid while many other live abundant full lives. This post went over your heads and none of you are ready to move on. If you think I was not angry or hurt you are very mistaken.
I tore the house apart, screamed and even hit my husband. I cried endlessly for weeks. Understanding my part helped me understand him and his pain. That allowed me to accept , let it go and move on. I only want for each of you to experience the love I have now in my marriage and the enormous peace in my life. I have news for you. I have a very good life. I am happy. I come here to share experiences I dont talk about on real life.
I imagine we all do. Some of us are happy. Some of us are not there yet. All of us are at different stages and when someone writes a column about being happy and owning our anger issues, it hits a raw nerve. So you are happy — good for you. Most here are not and to be told they have rose colored glasses on is hard to swallow. In my own case, my husband rubs my feet, he sits in the hospital and cries when I am hooked up to IVs, he brushes my hair even though it falls out from all my meds… If that is not love, what is?
I still am not really happy, maybe I will never be. As far owning my attitudes and behaviors, I do, I always have. So to calm this column down a bit, your writing is your own, it is meant to help, but what it has done is hit a very raw nerve with the majority of people here who have not been able to understand there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.
As a coach you should have realized singing the praise of your happiness and owning your own behaviors may not be what some are ready to hear. My one suggestion would be to post another if you want, but soften it a bit up front. Let us know you were as miserable like the rest of us, then give us suggestions on how to fix our lives, not the other way around. People cheat for a lot of different reasons. Those of us who have decided to stay in the relationship where an infidelity has occurred DO see the good in their spouses and that is why we stay.
I have personally dug and dug to find out what I could have done better in my relationship with my husband prior the his affair and have come up with nothing. His actions were so wrong on so many level. Now that he sees he almost lost the most important person in his life he treats me like a queen. I always treated him with respect and never complained about the little annoying things he did like leaving is stuff laying about.
It was just never important to me enough to fight about or even be resentful about. My H cheated because of a mid life crisis, boredom, and opportunity. Simple as that. Sure he probably has some deep seeded traumas from his childhood blah blah blah but he has refused to delve deeper into those to really look at why he made such a boneheaded decision. His problem not mine. I and our MC tried. Battleborn, I am so sorry to hear about your health problems. I had no idea.
One thing thats really bad is that we have to deal with the betrayal, on top of everything else bad in our lives. You may have not been on here when I wrote about my last time in the hospital. You see, laughter is the best medicine for me, I am a truly sarcastic person but I gets me through the rough times.
We all have horrible things happen to us while enduring our recovery, many of us have lost our parents, many have been fallen ill, etc. I believe this is one reason why recovery is so difficult. Perhaps that is also why the professionals say it takes years to find that final peace. Who truly knows? One thing I do know, when things like this happens, you find out what your CS really thinks about your marriage. I also said I was in so much pain. I could not eat or sleep. I also did not start out saying how happy I was. I was using that as an example to show there is validity to my original post.
What I said that almost no one gets is you have a huge amount of influence over your spouse, so When used the right way good results generally follow. I did not say always.
Are happy people more likely to see the positive things in life?
The other meaning was see the good in your spouse on purpose. Why are some of you not happy? I very much felt that way. I felt as one of you said that I would never be happy again. Infedeliry leaves a scar like no other. So you wonder why I am happy because I choice to be. I look for the good in Every situation. I ask the right questions of myself.
To get past infedeliry I asked myself what was it going to cost me to forgive him and what I had to give up. It cost me my ego and my pride. I had to give up my victim story. In order to be unhappy you have to blame someone Or something. Therefore remaining a victim.
Why did your marriage fail…? My husband cheated. For me in my opinion it makes me victim and I am not allowing myself to be the OW victim. You can we all have a choice. I just typed all this driving 70 down the highway and maybe you will see I am not much different than you. One last comment to the woman who is sick and her husband rubs her feet and brushes her hair- Yes that is love. The question is are you loving him back the same way? I loved him beyond measure, and trusted him beyond reason.
He never once gave me reason to doubt either of those things. But then a season in life came along that neither of us could control, and he let depression take him under. She spoke only praise, adoration, and she made NO demands from her single lifestyle. I was a wife, mother of four, and I had reasonable expectations that he participate in our life and family. It was a seductive voice. All praise, all the time. No criticism, no requirements, no expectations. Am I happy? Well, not as much as I would like to be.
We are stalked and harassed as are our older kids by a woman who refuses to just go away. It is not always easy. I do not want that to define me. I will always be a victim of infidelity. But it does not have to be who I AM. I too have paid a HIGH price for choosing to forgive my husband. But pride is not one of the things I paid. I took the high road, he took the low road. I am proud of how I stood up for myself. Proud that I made better choices, that honored my beliefs and my marriage vows.
He failed to protect me, our marriage, our family and our wedding vows. The only rose colored glasses were the ones he and his AP wore when they tried to rewrite history and rework the present to suit their selfish little alternate reality. And she knows how THAT worked out for her! Do I love my husband? Will it be the same marriage that it was? But I also believe he has a good bit of work to do to repair the things he damaged. If so have you gone to your attorney about her or the police? Man I thought I was pissed but this chick takes the cake!!! Yes, she is. Our attorney says it is unfortunate, but she skates a very fine.
It has been difficult for our older kids to handle. We had never even MET her prior to when the affair started. EG That is seriously effed up!! You can do something. If she is harassing you by computer you can track the URL to her computer. There is nothing subtle about harassment. I have shut down all my social media sites, etc. In the meantime, we are told to screenshot things, document any and everything we receive or hear. Keep phone logs etc. Time will tell. EG I hear you.
Is it the social media sites where she is doing most of her harassing? If so big deal right? No one takes that seriously. I agree that ignoring her is probably driving her crazy but crazy is not exactly what you need any more. UGH just makes me mad that they willingly bring all this crazy into our lives when it was so unnecessary. Why on earth choose something that is going to make your life exponentially worse??? They had seen this crap a million times in their life and the havoc it produced.
Just so out of my realm of rationalization that they thought it would turn out any other way than it did! That woman would be me, Nicole. No, I am not loving him back in the same way. How can I? But no, I am not. I love him in my own way and he and I know AND understand that my love for him is the best I can give. That is partly why your article is subjective at best. Not everyone can return the love that the spouse gives them. There is nothing wrong with that as long as we both know what is in our hearts, love is what it is.
Nicole…seriously your comments do more harm then good. Even the title of the blog is an irritant. If you would like to blame the victim for the affair that is equivalent to blaming a rape victim for wearing to provocative clothes as the reason for the crime. Utterly ridiculous. You sound like a person who is trying to capitalize on the internet the affair world and make yourself a little cash. I am one of the success stories. I am very happy and my marriage is awesome but my husband would be the first one to tell you it was his choice to cheat. He changed his behavior and must continue to do so or I am gone.
Nicole, I dont know anything about anyone on here or their situation beyond what they post.
phrases, sayings, idioms and expressions at
For anyone whose it is, that is great for them. I enjoy my life, I love my husband and daughter, and just take each day so it comes, good, bad, or indifferent. My life used to be much, much worse. Ironic, I think. Right on Giz!!! That is way too trite. My daughter and I are in a cabin in a state park in Tennessee. We are on a little Road Trip.
Love it here. The day seems full of Promise. Going to a country county fair later. My husband is joining us. There are millions of people all over the earth who would love to trade places with me. Or you. So I agree. Try to appreciate anything good you have been given. Thank you Trying Hard. I laugh all the time. My sense of humor is sarcastic, but not mean, and I usually have a good time. With time and distance, bad memories usually fade away so I really do have hope for all of us. Maybe it did for hers and I hope others have found some healing in it.
I can only compare it to a cancer. If I had cancer and wanted real treatment with real doctors and proven medicine I would seek out the most highly qualified doctors and hospitals, MD Anderson, Mayo Clinic, Cleveland Clinic etc. I would never consider going to Tijuana Mexico and let some inexperienced and uneducated person treat me for such a serious illness.
This mental illness of infidelity is just as serious. She is no more qualified than I, and I am NOT the least bit qualified, however she certainly has a right to her opinion just as we all do on this blog. The American way. I however choose not to subscribe to her theory. You do a great job with posts but this one missed the mark.
I do want to compliment you on the podcast you posted in the next post. It was great. This is the kind of professional support I expect from you guys. Hey tryinghard, Thanks for the feedback. I certainly respect your opinion. Just as is the case when Linda or I or any other guest poster writes something, you are free to agree or disagree with any opinions that are being expressed.
BTW…when can we expect your article you were going to submit? Exactly and I am happy I you received my feedback in the correct manner it was offered. We can learn something from everyone even those with whom we disagree. I love your site! I know right!! I will write it soon, but I need to reassure you it is no way poignant, just some humorous observations I have found in this crazy experience called infidelity.
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I have been so stupid busy at work since I fired my office help. ULK talk about biting your nose to spite your face. Exercisegrace I agree and respect everything you said. I think we can all agree that each persons situation is different. I want to say once again I have never said it is your fault your husband had an affair or that you are on any way responsible for their happiness. The origin of this idiom is difficult to find.
Apparently, nobody who writes about rose-colored glasses has bothered to actually look through them. Once you do, the origin is obvious. One of the best descriptions is over on Wise Geek , where they go through several, optimism-focused theories ranging from the symbolism of roses and rose gardens to the Victorians to map-makers' glasses to gazing through the bottom of a wine glass. A more curious suggestion is that the term comes from the use of goggles on chickens to keep them from pecking feathers off each other.